Silent Night, Holy Night

And so the holidays came and went. My husband and I spent time with our daughters and their families, and travelled down to NYC and up to Orillia, Ontario to visit family and friends. As always, the ghosts of the past floated through...family and friends who had passed away, some during the holidays. Some of our friends passed away last year during this month, January. In fact, last year I lost four friends in one week, two on the same day. None of them knew each other. It was one of the most devastating weeks of my life. My husband and I were on vacation in Florida, enjoying the relative warmth and sunshine with family and friends who had made their move South years ago. Upon our return, I attended four funerals, stunned and numbed by the unexpectedness, the suddenness of their departure. Yesterday all of this came flooding back, as I began planning and packing for another upcoming trip south. Yesterday was also darkened by a loss of another kind, sustained by family members. I was struck by the unfairness of life. Yesterday, it just seemed as if all the wrong people were rewarded and all the right people were punished. Of course, I know that in reality, bad things happen to good people all the time, for no apparent reason. However, that does not dim the loss. As I dragged through the day, feeling the heavy weight of baggage both old and new, I felt like I was 100 years old. Where is the justice in all of this? I am a person of faith, and yet my prayers had not been answered. Of course, I know that God is not Santa Claus. He doesn't check his list for who's been naughty or nice. I've played by the rules. My family and friends have played by the rules. We've been good. Why was life turning out this way? Then, last night my husband and I did our first shift at the Hospice house since November. (The house was closed when we were supposed to work in December; the two then-current residents had died.) A friend asked if I was really up for working there last night, given my dark mood. Yes, I said, I need to go. When I'm down for the count, I know the value of serving. Of giving. Of leaving my personal pity party and sitting by the bedside of a dying woman, whose daughter is keeping vigil. And so we went. The evening went quickly, as instead of a quiet time spent while the resident slept, I was called upon to do quite a lot of patient care. Thank God the nurse on call came in, because I had forgotten how to do the most basic things. She patiently guided and watched me as I repositioned the resident, gave her the pre-measured medications, offered her sips of water, comforted her daughter, and sat by her bed keeping vigil after her family went home for the night. There's something about being present with a person on her final journey that erases all of the sadness, sorrow, and exhaustion of my own problems. Life looks pretty good when you're sitting with the dying. In an interesting twist, this lovely 90-year-young woman had the same name I have. I felt like Ebenezer Scrooge looking at his own gravestone shortly before he had his epiphany and became a better person. Epiphany...according to the online British Dictionary, the secular definition is "A moment when you suddenly feel that you understand, or suddenly become conscious of, something that is very important to you." Its religious meaning is the recognition by the wise men that the baby Jesus was indeed the savior that had been foretold in the Old Testament scriptures. Here I was, not in a manger, or even an inn, but in the room of a dying woman, and I found peace with God. My epiphany. When our shift ended very late that night, I left a calmer, more centered person. As the night aide came on duty, I had laid hands on the resident, silently calling upon her spiritual Guide to bring her stillness and peace as she entered what might be her last night's sleep. My hope for all of you, my readers, is that you might also find your Guide, and that you might also be able to live with the injustices of life. We all hope for the best for our families and friends, but that doesn't always happen. But we can find the strength and the courage to be the best partners we can as they make their life journey. Happy New Year to all. May you find strength and peace in 2017.