this is going to hurt like hell." - Sarah McLachlan
This one is going to be hard to read. Death is a difficult thing for us to think about, to discuss, to understand... and when a child dies by her own hand, it's off the charts difficult. In my lifetime, I have personally known four people who have taken their own lives: three girls/women, one man. Three happened in my home town. One was the daughter of one of my mother's friends. One was the sister of two of my friends. One was the daughter of one of my own friends. And the fourth, the man, is the son of one of our close friends. That one happened only a few weeks ago.
What is wrong with this world that our children are in too much pain to stay with us? Two of the hometown girls/women who died did this decades ago, so we can't even blame it on the current opioid crisis. The third hometown woman was a talented artist, very successful, happily married...Why? Why? Why? The man who recently took his life (22 years old) had already made two other attempts, and yes, it did involve drugs.
I go to a very small house church made up of roughly 16-20 people from a very diverse sample: Black, White, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, male, female, Christian, Hindu, Buddhist, Native. Last week we prayed for no fewer than three suicides - all recent - of young people.
What the fuck? I don't use that work lightly. It's one of the ugliest words I know. But this horror of young people offing themselves is also the ugliest thing I know. Want to punish your parents? Kill yourself. They'll suffer for the rest of their lives. You'll finally be out of your pain, but they will have endless sleepless nights wondering what they could have done differently to save the child they brought into the world from self destruction.
I try to make sense of this yawning grave of sorrow by looking for patterns. Did they have anything in common? Were they all mentally ill? Were there substance abuse issues that were kept hidden in the darkness? Were they abused in other ways?
I have even more friends and relatives who have shared privately that they have struggled with the desire to end their lives over the years. Some do indeed struggle with mental illness, and have tried to find help over the years with varying degrees of success. Some felt that they had no purpose in life, that their lives were not worth living. Still others fight the urge to self-destruct because of the state of the world today in terms of politics, climate change, social injustices, abuse...the list goes on and on.
What about the fact, though, that these four people were still young adults? That they still had their whole lives ahead of them? That they didn't know that there might be a less permanent solution to their pain?
I don't have an easy answer to any of these questions. I put this out there because I see it as a growing trend, and I believe we need to talk about it. Please - if you have any input that might shed light on this heartache, I welcome your responses.
Until then, please live. Wake up to live another day. Know that your life matters. Understand that suicide is murder turned inward. Please get help. Please.
