When a Child Takes His/Her Life

"Hold on, hold on to yourself...
this is going to hurt like hell."  - Sarah McLachlan

   This one is going to be hard to read.  Death is a difficult thing for us to think about, to discuss, to understand... and when a child dies by her own hand, it's off the charts difficult.  In my lifetime, I have personally known four people who have taken their own lives:  three girls/women, one man.  Three happened in my home town.  One was the daughter of one of my mother's friends.  One was the sister of two of my friends.  One was the daughter of one of my own friends.  And the fourth, the man, is the son of one of our close friends.  That one happened only a few weeks ago.
   What is wrong with this world that our children are in too much pain to stay with us?  Two of the hometown girls/women who died did this decades ago, so we can't even blame it on the current opioid crisis.  The third hometown woman was a talented artist, very successful, happily married...Why?  Why?  Why?  The man who recently took his life (22 years old) had already made two other attempts, and yes, it did involve drugs.
   I go to a very small house church made up of roughly 16-20 people from a very diverse sample:  Black, White, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, male, female, Christian, Hindu, Buddhist, Native.  Last week we prayed for no fewer than three suicides - all recent - of young people.
   What the fuck?  I don't use that work lightly.  It's one of the ugliest words I know.  But this horror of young people offing themselves is also the ugliest thing I know.  Want to punish your parents?  Kill yourself.  They'll suffer for the rest of their lives.  You'll finally be out of your pain, but they will have endless sleepless nights wondering what they could have done differently to save the child they brought into the world from self destruction.
   I try to make sense of this yawning grave of sorrow by looking for patterns.  Did they have anything in common?  Were they all mentally ill?  Were there substance abuse issues that were kept hidden in the darkness?  Were they abused in other ways?
   I have even more friends and relatives who have shared privately that they have struggled with the desire to end their lives over the years.  Some do indeed struggle with mental illness, and have tried to find help over the years with varying degrees of success.  Some felt that they had no purpose in life, that their lives were not worth living.  Still others fight the urge to self-destruct because of the state of the world today in terms of politics, climate change, social injustices, abuse...the list goes on and on.
   What about the fact, though, that these four people were still young adults?  That they still had their whole lives ahead of them?  That they didn't know that there might be a less permanent solution to their pain?
    I don't have an easy answer to any of these questions.  I put this out there because I see it as a growing trend, and I believe we need to talk about it.  Please - if you have any input that might shed light on this heartache, I welcome your responses.
    Until then, please live.  Wake up to live another day.  Know that your life matters.  Understand that suicide is murder turned inward.  Please get help.  Please.

Letting Go of Fear

Sunrise, Annapurna, Nepal

   In the Christian world, we have just come through the forty days of Lent and have now entered the liturgical season of Easter.  During Lent, many people give something up as a way to participate in Christ's selfless love.  Like, say, chocolate.  This year, I decided to give up fear.
    Why fear?  Why not something tangible, like cake?  Or candy?  Or wine?  Or, as one dear friend suggested, plastic?
    I gave up fear (as best I could) because I see that as being a major contributor to not moving forward in my personal growth.  Fear keeps us from doing so many things.  If we step out of our comfort zone and venture into new territory, we can experience anxiety...but also freedom.
    A few months ago, I went on a three-week journey through India and Nepal, looking at culture, spirituality, and education.  My husband and I did this on our own, with help from our friends in these two countries who found drivers and English-speaking guides in the various Indian cities we visited.  When we reached Nepal, we went trekking with the help of a small trekking company that my husband had found three years ago.  I was frankly afraid of stepping out into such a huge adventure without the shepherding of a tour group.  My husband had worked internationally for 33 years, and has always travelled more or less on his own.  I've travelled with him quite a bit, but this new proposed  adventure caused me to experience real fear.
    Perhaps it's my age (63), or the belief that I have had an interesting life, and therefore don't expect to have a boring death...but I decided to bite the bullet and step out in faith, to leaving fear behind, and to explore these two countries with him.  I had to let go of my fears.  These fears included, but were not limited to:

Mount Dhaulagiri, Nepal

* Heights (We trekked in the Annapurna Circuit in the Himalayas of Nepal)
* Crowds (India, and its magnificent monuments such as the Taj Mahal, is very crowded)
* The unknown (We stayed in a different place each night, sometimes without a lot of pre-planning)
*  Poor sanitation (Don't get me started on pit toilets, or the fact that you have to carry your own toilet paper with you everywhere)
*  Terrorism (Sad, but true:  when we came home, we saw the movie "Hotel Mumbai."  We had had lunch in that very hotel in which India's 2008 terror attacks began.  It could happen again.  In fact, as soon as we came home from our trip, the horrific Easter terror attacks in Sri Lanka occurred.

The Taj Hotel and Gate of India, Mumbai

   Giving up fear doesn't mean giving up caution or safety.  It means giving up the notion that we can actually control our destiny, that we can somehow will away any random evil that might wait for us in the shadows of the world.  It means living life to the fullest, in spite of the fact that our lives could end at any given moment.
   When we went to Israel in 2015, friends and family feared for our safety.  If you think about it, we would be far more likely to be shot in a shopping mall, theatre, house of worship, or elementary school in the U.S. than we would be in any of the "third world" (also known as the "two-thirds world") countries.

   Perhaps it's my age, the fact that I've had a wonderful life, and the fact that my children are grown and are happy that give me the courage to give up fear.  On our recent trek in the Himalayas, I faced several situations that initially scared me, usually involving great heights and narrow trails.  I faced my fear, and realized that the likelihood of actually falling was pretty slim.  A song kept running through my head as we climbed higher and higher:  the blockbuster hit "Shallows," sung by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper from "A Star is Born."  The refrain says, "We're out of the shallows now."  I take that to mean that we (or I) have moved beyond the shallow waters of day-to-day living, and are now ready to move into the deeper waters of living fully into the rest of our lives.  Step out into the waters of life.  Leave fear on the shoreline.  Be careful, yes.  Don't take unnecessary risks, to be sure.  But above all, don't limit your life to what is too safe.  Let go of fear...and embrace fulfillment.

Step out...and experience life

Amer Fort, India